I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
