Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
