If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
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Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
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The struggles of a small town man whore
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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