Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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