so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
