dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.