My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
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You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying