In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live