I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i wish my penis had a tongue
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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