is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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