do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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