So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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