Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
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I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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