Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
