i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
