So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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