Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The power of my boobs compel you
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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