remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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