Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
