omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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