This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize