I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
