ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
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Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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