all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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