Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
