Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize