he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.