Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
