Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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