hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
