He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dignity is for republicans.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
