Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless