Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.