ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.