So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
