I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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