i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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