I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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