I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
