What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
