i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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