I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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