thus making me awesome and them whores
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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