Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
