i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
