I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
