while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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