If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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