is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
