i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
