So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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