Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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