Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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