and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to rekindle our bromance
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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